Estimated reading time: 13 minutes (total)
- beginning ramblings
Hi, hello. This is my first ever blog post here. I'm never really sure how blogs work so I'll just go where ever the wind takes me.
this website
I've finally got this damn thing up and running again. Hopefully I'll be a bit more consistent with it too.
I remember jumping between various layouts, never really sure which one to use. I know for sure I wanted to keep it relatively simple/clean and accessible for mobile. For now, I used the default provided by petrapixel's layout generator. Lazy of me to literally use the default with minor tweaks. Something clicked in my brain and told me it reminded me of manga panels and I ran with it. I also switched over to use NekoWeb as my host.
I'm going to see if I can implement some sort of tagging feature for future blogs. I know I want to make some learning-focused blogs. Maybe some more analytical entries and reviews and whatnot. Just making things organized for ease of access/navigation.
I'm not sure what other pages I'd like to add for now. Maybe a shrine dedicated to my doll/toy collection? I'm also starting up a doujin collection but I know a lot of those artists prefer not to have their work reposted.
mental health
Warning:
Discussion of mental health (depression), existentialism and brief mentionings of abusive relationships
Please proceed with caution or skip to another section.
The past few years have been rough for me. The simplest summary of what I've been going through is: an existential crisis.
I'm currently about to graduate with the recent realization that... I didn't like the way my program taught me. It soured my major for me and has become an ick. My program is pretty small but I felt like I didn't really belong. One of my professors said something that utterly broke me. It felt too easy and unengaging. I felt like I didn't need to try and it's true. I passed all of the required classes and about to graduate. I really feel like my program just wanted me to pass so they could stay afloat. With the rise of AI and my country's unstable political climate, it feels even more dire that I'm unable to find a job.
Sometimes I wonder if I tried harder if it would've made a difference. Maybe it would've. Maybe if I was diagnosed earlier and got the help I needed (I believe I have ADHD, which would explain my disinterest/lack of effort in said classes) it would've made a difference.
I've had many people tell me that many people don't get jobs they studied for in college. On one hand, it's relieving. On the other hand, because of how I was raised, I feel like a disappointment. I'm the "easiest" child to handle due to being the oldest. I didn't give my parents any issues while I was in school because I was a "gifted" kid (I just caught onto subjects faster along with schools just testing memorization rather than application/understanding). I'm stuck with guilt thinking "I was so good at this before."
I recently got out of an abusive relationship. Throughout it, I felt like some sort of animal when I unmasked. I never felt like I could truly be vulnerable with that person. Similarly, they also tried to make and reduced me to what they wanted. It was so suffocating and exhausting. Even when I constantly tried to communicate my needs, it was brushed off as me "not knowing myself" and my neurodivergence getting in the way.
I'm still wrapping my mind around the complicated feelings with it. I hold the good memories to my chest but then writhe when I remember what they did. It's gutwrenching to know that I let it go on for so long.
I saw a post a while back that combatted that specific guilt. It went something along the lines of:
"Why didn't you see the red flags?""I see how much you needed to be loved"
Ah, I'm tearing up just writing that.
Which, considering my relationships with my family (which is pretty similar to wanting me a certain way), makes sense.
It's very much a "you don't realize you're in that situation in the moment" type of thing. I've met a lot of lovely people who understood and it comforts me a lot.
Despite all that, I'm in a slightly better headspace now. Sometimes my mind wanders back to these thoughts and I get stuck there again. I'm more determined to graduate, to just get that stupid damn paper. I'm more determined to express myself the way I want. I'm more determined to live and meet more people.
It requires a lot of smaller steps. It's daunting but I want to try. I don't ever want to go through that ever again.
printer
I got a printer. This seems to be the second time where I've had issues with the ink despite it bring brand new (this time the printer, for whatever reason, refuses to print anything magenta)...
It does have a nice scan function. I did a test run with some doujins I got. Loading paper into it is also pretty easy too. It's nice and slick design wise. I'll probably just use all the ink I have and then get fresh new ones and hope those work.
I have some other, minor qualms with it but I think I just need to keep messing around with it. Hopefully, once I get the ink issue solved, I'll be able to print more zines and other fun doo-dads.
media intake
I'm... not sure if this is the best thing to title that. I'll come up with a better one later. Anyway, this is just meant to encourage me to consume more creative works as, ironically, I am a creator. There's a lot of value in seeing other creative works (and to also just be entertained).
infinity nikki
I've been playing Infinity Nikki since launch. I've also played through Love Nikki Oh Love Nikki... my first and only gacha I spent actual money on and drove the gacha gene out of me and Shining Nikki. I used to play it everyday, back to back, early on but thankfully that's slowed down for me.
I'd say, I feel like I'm very lucky with my pulls. In the first limited banner, I got the gorgeous butterfly dress and fairy wings. The previous and current banners don't interest me as much. Before this current banner, I was saving up in case the CNY outfits were in it. Thankfully they're not and are given freely in this current event.
Speaking of the event, there's currently... two... three... four(?) events going on? At least these events are staying for a month rather than a few weeks. It feels overstimulating I'd say, though, jumping between the them. I really wish New Bloom Festival(?) was given more time to itself. I was excited to get more Chinese-inspired outfits and events for the upcoming new year. It feels like it got mashed up with Carnival of Fireworks's grander presentation.
I'm not sure where to put this bit but I'm thankful the current version of Infinity Nikki has built in settings to freely switch languages, both with its text and its voices. When Shining Nikki was released in English (way after I lost my original CN save), I was disappointed that I couldn't play it with the original Chinese voices since I was using it for comprehension practice. I still struggle with my Chinese but it makes me unimaginably happy that I'm able to pick up bits in pieces in Infinity Nikki.
song
Well... it's not a lot so this section will be very short lol. My music-listening habits usually consist of "listening to the same song on loop and maybeevery few months add in a new song to the list."
I recently listened to SAWETOWN's Confessions of a Rotten Girl as I saw a lot of fan art of Rotten Girl Miku hit my feed. The song and its MV is so fun and goofy. I didn't think I'd catch a lot of references as I did. It also feels kind of weird thinking that younger Vocaloid/Vocal Synth fans may not get those references. You really had to be there the first time Vocaloid came over (around the same time those references were made).
I feel like I'm returning to form, returning to my fujo roots. It's nice with all that's going on really.
movies
Similarly to songs, I don't really watch a lot of movies.
I had the mentality growing up of "there's not enough time for me to care about the characters in a movie." I'm not sure if I've totally grown of it honestly? I don't really watch movie series so I just think of the movies I watch as its short story? Yeah, I'm noticing how dumb that logic sounds.
Anyway, a while back, I watched Warner Bro.'s Anastasia. I did feel weird watching it knowing the historical contexts to it, but I'm coming in with a more recent perspective. The perspective on that event at the time was different. After a bit into the movie, I was able to enjoy it.
I've actually seen bits and pieces of this film thanks to 1) covers of Once Upon a December and 2) multi-editor fan projects on YouTube. Those edits were so well done. I'll have to find them again later if they're still up. I hope those editors are doing well.
I love the dialogue between Anastasia and Dimitri. It's fun and I really like the voice acting behind it. Speaking of voice acting, I knew Rasputin sounded familiar and it was bugging me after he sung his song. After watching the movie and a quick Google search-yep-his VA voices The Hacker in Cyberchase. I bring that up 'cause recently I've been waking up a lot earlier than I usually do. I usually keep the TV on to act as white noise. When I wake up, Cyberchase is on. Wild.
I also remember being absolutely mesmorized by how fabric was animated in the film. It feels very light and airy. It feels magical.